Confessions...I Didn't Know When To Walk Away!

Hey Ya'll,

You may have noticed the two statements pictured on this post:

1. "My greatest act of self love was knowing when to walk away"- adapted from @lorelei.poetry,

and

2. "Be patient, the best things happen unexpectedly"- author unknown.

I do think that both of these narratives are true and can exist within the same realm: It IS possible to be both patient while at the same time be adept at knowing when to walk away (when enough is enough).

Dictionary.com defines patience as "the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like"; Definitely something worth contemplating.

People who know me have described me as patient and I would agree. Blame it on being a l8 bloomer but I recognize that timing is everything and I believe in giving people and situations the time to sort themselves out (that good ole potential). Being patient is great but it led me to stay in places, circumstances, even jobs whose expiration date had long since passed. So, a character trait that is inherently good (or positive), when overused or misused (like any good thing) ended up not serving me well.

 I can see scenarios where I clearly should have walked away,  but I didn't.  "I need examples!", is what you are probably saying. Well, here you go: 

Years ago, I met a girl in college named Francis* but it wasn't until after we both graduated that we begin to solidify a true friendship. I introduced Francis around to various members of my tribe with success. It made sense because Francis was naturally funny, charming even. She was from Texas and although we were in Atlanta- her southern drawl was very noticeable and that endeared her to many because she was so genuine. I knew that Francis suffered from mental health issues, but since I had studied psychology in undergrad (and would go on to work towards a doctorate in psychology), I thought I could help her. I know, I know- RED FLAG ON THE PLAY ALERT)!

As the years rolled by, Francis became a staple at my home and she became an official member of the tribe. One day, my mom mentioned that Francis seemed to always compare herself to me or her situation to my situation. To be frank, I had noticed it too but I didn't want my mom to know that. I shrugged it off outwardly, but internally it made me think. I realized that I had actually observed similar behavior from the beginning of our friendship.

When I dated someone new (which wasn't often), Francis would outwardly question why she couldn't find someone like I had. She reminded me that she was equally as deserving of a significant other and she would have even further conversations with MY friends about ME. I couldn't understand why she didn't think that my friends' allegiances were to me and I didn't know what she expected to gain by speaking negatively about me. I assumed her behavior was due to her mental illness. I surmised that since she suffered from separation anxiety (although I did not condone her behavior), I also didn't want to add to her already fragile nature.  So, I kept my mouth shut.

Here's what is going through your mind now:

1. Why in the world did you feel so compelled to remain friends with someone who clearly was NOT a friend to you? I thought that if I could SHOW her, through my good deeds and behavior, that I could change her mind about me. After all, she had many likable characteristics and I didn't want to "throw the baby out with the bathwater".
2. What were your "real" friends doing when she was being disrespectful towards you? My friends would try to reason with her even though she could never provide a legitimate explanation as to why she thought I was so negative and undeserving. Ever. I also think that my friends tried to be as sensitive to her mental state as possible. Their ultimate position was: Francis was my friend that I introduced to them so as long as I chose to keep her around, they were going to play nice.
3. Why would you care if the fake friendship ended because there clearly was not true friendship at that point? Because I wanted everyone to like me. I didn't want to be the villain in anyone's story, especially when it was based on erroneous information.
   

I kept the overarching theme that Francis suffered from mental instability at the forefront of my mind. I felt that she deserved to be given multiple chances, even if each chance left me more emotionally wounded than the last. I was putting her mental health in front of my own,

Imagine you allowed someone to occupy your space, envelop your vibe, receive your hospitality, but it was never reciprocated. Oh, I don't want you to think that Francis did not know how to be a friend people in general. Later, I realized that she invited the tribe to various events only to realize that I was never even told about any of them. This happened SEVERAL times and when confronted, she shrugged my concerns off:

Her: "I didn't think you would be interested in attending something like that..."

Me: "Something like what? Eating at a restaurant?!"

Her: "Well, I know you are so picky so I just didn't invite you".

Fast forward to a few months later. Several members in the tribe had negative encounters with Francis and it culminated with Francis separating herself altogether. The difference between them, was that UNLIKE me, once Francis crossed them they believed her and immediately acted accordingly by severing ties.

In my case, a relationship that spanned over a decade finally ended.

I heard that she found HER tribe and I was happy for her. We didn't have to be friends for me to still want what was best for her. Also, I didn't BLAME her for what happened because she only did what I ALLOWED her to do.

Here are a few gems I learned:

1. I allowed myself to be drained.  I could have walked away the moment the relationship was no longer mutually beneficial. But, because I had an aversion to anyone looking at me in a bad light, I chose to endure mistreatment and fakeness. All because I never wanted to be seen as the villain, and yet, I'm sure in her story, I am just that.
2. I waited patiently for Francis to change but that patience was misplaced because either Francis could not (because of her mental health issues) or did not want to (because she was not interested). I tried to change her mind to suit my needs instead of just acknowledging her for who she was and moving forward based on that information.
3. I allowed Francis to treat me the way that she wanted to instead of setting my expectations of how I wanted and deserved to be treated. I can't even say that Francis used her illness as an excuse for her bad behavior. But, I made assumptions and presumptions to suit my narrative. The moral of the story is that if she wanted to, she would have (because she ultimately was able to form very meaningful connections with others). It just was not to be with us.
4. It is very dangerous to allow someone else's thoughts or even actions to control how you think and move and yet, that is what I allowed with Francis (even though I thought I was helping her). No one but the Almighty should be able to exert that amount of power in your life.
5. Knowing when to walk away is like a well-orchestrated dance move; Many admire it, but few are willing to put in the practice (work) to actually execute it. Kenny Rogers said it best in The Gambler,

"...you've got know when to hold 'em

Know when to fold 'em

Know when to walk away

And know when to run..."

I can admit that even though I have not MASTERED the art of being patient yet well-timed, much like mastering that well executed dance move- I'm actively practicing!

I know that was A LOT!!! Hopefully, you still have something left in your glass! Now it's your turn! Have you learned the art of walking away? Have you ever walked away from something too soon and regretted it? Or, did you stay too long? I look forward to hearing from you! Until next time, bye ya'll!

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*names and other identifying information has been changed

~Steph~ Confessions of a L8 Bloomer